


Insomnia

by CruelisnotMason



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Confessions, Getting Together, M/M, adams death is the big topic, back in space, past season7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 16:06:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15911664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CruelisnotMason/pseuds/CruelisnotMason
Summary: „Do you sometimes think, how everything would have been different? If I never went on the Kerberos mission and all of us didn’t end up here in space? “„I do “, he answered. „I didn’t “, countered Shiro, „at least not until we came back to Earth.“ Keith had feared that moment – but it was time to speak about Adam.





	Insomnia

 

 

_How could someone possibly replace someone dead?_

It was late night and Keith couldn’t sleep. When turning over for the third time within ten minutes wouldn’t bring sleep anywhere near him, he decided to get up for a late-night fighting session instead. They were four earth days away from the planet the others would call home, back on a new mission.

When Keith turned right, turning towards the floor that lead to the training hall, the light was lit, and he heard some noise. Somebody had come here before him, maybe someone who couldn’t find a piece of mind as well. For a second there he considered turning on the spot and going back to bed, the person behind the doors wouldn’t even notice that he was there as well, but with a sigh, he took a few more steps to push through the door. It was Shiro, who was using his robotic arm to fight one of the robots. His prosthetic flew, rounded the fight robot and hit it from behind.

>> End of Level 2<<

Shiro turned around and smiled warmly, but an especially deep crease on his face became visible. To Keith it looked like he probably hadn’t slept for weeks. „Looks like someone else is unable to catch some sleep “, he called out to him while the robot disappeared through the next opening. Keith walked over, arms crossed and a troubled expression on his face. „Isn’t it more important you get some sleep though? I’m not the one who must fly Atlas. “And Keith couldn’t be gladder that it wasn’t his job to fly that massive ship. Coran was currently working with Shiro on learning how to do it, so they could split the work, since Allura was glad she could concentrate on the lion only now. But they only had some mild successes. „It’s not too hard“, Shiro said before he added, „I bet you could do it too, if you tried.“ Keith wanted to let himself go weak, let himself pour his heart out, about their last mission, about his momentary but seemingly final position as team leader, about the question if everyone here felt himself belonging to space as much as he did, or if he in fact didn’t feel like belonging to any special place at all, but felt home near Shiro, and near the rest of the Paladins. Keith would pour his heart out to Shiro and to Shiro only, but he also knew, that now wasn’t the time and place to put anything else on his broad shoulders, but to listen to him instead.

„You have more trust in me than I do “, he replied weakly. Shiro pushed some buttons in the control panel of the room and a few white couches appeared in the corner of the room. „That was always the case. I have a lot of trust in your abilities, and you never failed to impress me, Keith. “His big hand patted his shoulder and rested there for a second. „Let’s sit. “

>>I never lost my faith in you, and never lost my trust for you to come back. You came back from the dead, I don’t think it’s you who were impressed. <<, Keith thought, but didn’t say. Instead, he asked: „What were you thinking about, when you were held by Zarkon and the Galra?“

If Shiro was surprised by the question, he didn’t show it. He shrugged. „Sometimes nothing. Sometimes about you and Adam. Later about the other paladins. Sometimes about whatever would create a happy place. About escaping, of course, as well. “Shiro put his hand through his white hair, Keith watched him closely, but was at loss for words. The answer didn’t surprise him, but he didn’t think he would feel sad after hearing hit. „Do you sometimes think, how everything would have been different? If I never went on the Kerberos mission and all of us didn’t end up here in space? “Of course, he thought about it. Keith had found family and friends in space, and even a reason to exist in the world, while Shiro had lost it all. „I do “, he answered. „I didn’t “, countered Shiro, „at least not until we came back to Earth.“ Keith had feared that moment – but it was time to speak about Adam. He opened his mouth, but before the words could get out, Shiro turned his smile to him. „How come you don’t tell me everything anymore? I could swear, when you were younger you were acting as if you were mute first, but it was only two months and you suddenly shared everything with me.“ Shiro’s eyes looked full of glee, and although Keith’s cheeks flamed up about those reminder of his emo and chaotic personality during his teenage years, he couldn’t be mad about it. It probably was a long time ago since Shiro could relive those memories while being in a safe environment. „Maybe because I’m not the same angsty and confused teenager anymore. “Shiro’s grin widened. Maybe because they hadn’t been around each other for a long time. „Maybe because I stopped using you as my human diary a few months later already. “

They looked each other in the eyes for a few moments, then Shiro broke the gaze to look at his hands.  „Adam was sometimes so jealous. He thought we shared more than he and I did. “– „Did he say that? “, Keith heard himself say. „He did not. He liked you just as much as I did. I knew, that he felt that way. He sometimes implied that you would have a crush on me, and I think that was peak jealousy of him.“ Keith’s face dropped, and it was late to say anything against the obvious shock in his face. Shiro must have seen it too, because his cheeks turned a dark shade and he abruptly turned his head away to talk. „I think I should have treated him better. I should have explained why that mission was important to me, and he would have understood. I should have broken up, instead of simply leaving, at least he could have had more closure. But he died, knowing I survived, died waiting for me to come back. “

Keith listened, and his eyes widened with any other word. He violently shook his head. „You couldn’t have stayed, Shiro. Everything would have been different, if you stayed. We would all be enslaved by now. Katie would still haven’t seen her dad by now. Matt would have died. You know that, too. “Shiro’s voice had been stable, but he saw the tears in his eyes, the hole in his heart, full of regret. „Would he, though? I think someone else could have gone in my stead, and it would have worked, too “, Shiro looks at him, the pain clear in his eyes. „I could have stayed on earth and died in my sick body, died in Adams arms, so he could have his last months with me. And even then, I was enough of an egoist to not just die in his arms. “

Keith had pushed him, and Shiro, inattentive (and to be honest, trusting enough in Keith’s presence) toppled over on the floor. Keith stood over him, hands in fists, angry face, just like the angry teenage kid, that hated everyone. „Enough talking. Let’s just fight. Room: One on one fight. Two pieces of weapons. “– Shiro looked up to him, now angry as well. „Keith, I’m not in the mood to fight you. “But Keith wordlessly took the weapon, that had appeared on the ground and charged for Shiro. He got up in a few seconds, grabbed his weapon and defended himself with a swift move of his weapon, a spear with three two peaks. Instead of simply waiting for Keith to attack a second time, he slammed his spear in the back of his knees and followed another hit with his prosthetic arm.

Keith was caught off-guard (he didn’t expect Shiro to do anything except defense), but could dodge the arm just in time, to grab it and smack it with the aid of his own weapon back into Shiro’s direction. He was angry, too. Someone who would play DnD five times in a row to play the role of the paladin every frickin‘ time  would never be angry he left earth – and someone who saved Keith’s life every day he was his friend, could never be an egoist.

Keith ran, jumped on top of his friend and pushed it down with the long and flat grip of his weapon, but not for long. Shiro turned them around easily with only one arm (he didn’t even use his prosthetic) and pushed down Keith in return. Shiro looked intense, teeth gritted and eyebrows furrowed. „I know there would have been no one to save Matt and his dad, no one to unite the paladins and unfreeze Coran and Allura! “, he screamed at him while pressing against Shiro’s weapon in a struggle to get it away from his throat. „How would you possibly know, Keith?!“, he shouted back, and it was the first time for Keith to hear him shouting at him like that. „There is no possible way to know if the person who would have gone in my stead wouldn’t have saved and united everyone! Why do you think you can say that?!“– „I can say it because “, he slowly felt the pressure on his throat and clenched the next sentence through his teeth, „it would have been me. I would have gone to Kerberos in your stead. “, his purple eyes locked onto the black eyes, the ones who suddenly seemed oh so surprised. He used that moment to push Shiro away, flying.

He charged after him, leaping on him, to lock his hand and shoulder on the floor. Shiro had lost his weapon, tried to wriggle himself out of his grip, but soon simply gave up and laid down, breathing hard. He caught his breath again: „You would have...- “– „ I wouldn’t have, Shiro. No matter how much you trusted my abilities. Even if I’d have the strength, you know I wouldn’t have the will to stay alive. I didn’t have family, not even friends back at home. I neither knew Matt nor his father well. I would have just died without a fight. You knew me then. Don’t lie and say you think I would have survived. “

Shiro just looked at him, sadness, the feeling of being overwhelmed, shame, regret, everything mixed. If Keith had thought about it a bit more, he would have considered to not add another feeling into Shiro’s emotion cocktail. He could now be a leader all he wants, but still sometime a flicker of impulsiveness lit alight. He leaned down, watching how Shiro’s gaze morphed into something undefinable topped with confusion, felt the deep breath gasped through his mouth and his large torso raise and sink. In the last corner of his mind lit a light of resistance, a small thought of ‚what the heck‘ that sounded confusingly enough like Lance, but he pushed it back easily and closed the gap between them.

The kiss wasn’t too long – although the paladins suspected (to Keith’s whole-hearted confusion) that he must have had experience, he hadn’t. They had to understand no one (except Shiro) would have been dumb enough to get anywhere near Keith when he was living on. Moreover, if Keith was honest, the pool of fish in space was limited.

 _It was always only Shiro._ As Keith broke the kiss, he opened his eyes to look down in Shiro’s face. He hadn’t reciprocated the kiss (fair enough), but looked back, speechless. Keith did not have the patience to wait for a reaction and got up. „I’m going back to bed now. Sorry for the fight. “He looked a last time into Shiro’s dark eyes and over his still not moving figure. Keith didn’t regret it. But he also wasn’t too proud. „Good Night “, he said, opened the door and shuffled down the lonely corridor.

 

The next few days were busy, with the paladins flying out to planets who needed supplies and a helping hand to rebuild. Neither the Alteans nor the Paladins had planned the next step yet, and sometimes they were in the hall for ours, discussing their plan. They couldn’t just act, they had to think about their next target and act out smaller missions, reconnect to allies and get their advice, too. That was mostly the reason why Keith could catch some sleep, instead of catching Shiro’s tired and confused gazes. Sometimes he dreamt about how Adam was alive and well together with Shiro on the ship. Shiro looked the happiest in those dreams, and it broke his heart when he woke up. Would they even be together again if Adam was still alive? After all, it’s been a while, and their relationship at the day Shiro put a foot on the Kerberos Missions’ space ship wasn’t clear (or so he had heard of Shiro). Keith loved them both, for everything they did for him, for their support, but much more he grew to love Shiro, not as a savior, mentor, but as a friend. Did he love him? If yes, there was no other way to swallow the bitter pill and go on. It didn’t matter that Shiro didn’t love him, he thought. But that wasn’t true either. Keith knew, they loved each other and had been there always for each other. Maybe his love was simply a bit different.

When awake, Keith always wanted to apologize to him. That he wasn’t sensible enough for talking about Adam’s passing (that wasn’t fully the truth) or that he surprised him, or maybe even ask if they could go back to being friends, companions, whatever. Everything was fine, except trying to be his brother.

Shiro tried to talk to him a couple of times that week, but Keith broke it off fast enough. He always found something to do. Maybe Pidge wanted something, and he had to go get to her. Just anything to not be near Shiro, to not talk with him about that kiss.

He treaded being alone anywhere on the ship, he didn’t even go exercise at night. But after the busy week was over and they were just floating through space for a couple of days, he was sleepless again, and he decided to take the chance. Shiro was not in the room and Keith felt a sharp edge of disappointment poke his heart beneath the ease in his heart. He didn’t have to. Within half an hour Shiro arrived in the room, until Keith noticed him and stopped his training, arms crossed, leaning against the wall.

“You’re not running. That’s new”, Shiro said and came closer. He was cynical, but not angry. More playful than anything. “Ironically I’m tired of that”, Keith answered and crossed his arms now too. “Even though you fight like you never get tired”, Shiro said, clicking some buttons on the panel controls to let the all so familiar couch appears out of the ground. “Wanna talk?” Shiro’s eyes flickered up – they looked guarded, as if he had to protect him. Keith avoided his gaze and looked at the floor. “I guess we gonna, if I want or not.” He wasn’t angry or mad when saying it, but…tired, if anything. He looked up to Shiro, holding his gaze. “Okay, listen, Shiro, I’m sorry.” Shiro looked surprised back. “For what?” – “ I don’t know, for fighting you, maybe for being angry at you. Also, for…” “For what…?”

Keith exhaled. “For kissing you. I also might have been talking a lot of depressed stuff, so…yeah sorry for that, too, I guess.” Shiro smiled warily. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything, Keith. You were right. Also, the discussion was…pointless, to say at least. The dead are dead. It can’t be changed.” He smiled sadly, but it was still soothing for Keith. Keith held his gaze, suddenly reached for the older man’s hand and startled both of them for a second, but then he took it firm in his own hand and stroked it. “I know how much you loved him”, Keith spoke after a while, his voice a raspy and deep, trying to sooth him. It was the best if Shiro just cried – so he could comfort him and be his friend again. He wanted to push Shiro’s tears, but instead his eyes watered. He couldn’t continue, so Shiro did instead: “Yeah, but, you know, we loved each other so much, but we wanted completely different things in life. Maybe we would have struggled through, but I don’t think our relationship would have gotten that far. We wanted different things to begin with. He wanted a comfortable life somewhere in between work and missions, and I wanted to live every day to the fullest, ready to make every day my last. I don’t think anyone’s love would have run deep enough for me at that time.” Shiro had freed his hand from Keith’s tightening grip and wiped away some tears that rolled down the black-haireds’ cheeks. “Keith”, he said softly, his mouth opened again, but he didn’t say anything else. He leaned towards him and kissed him softly on his mouth. Shiro’s kiss was so swift and soft and over before Keith could close his eyes. Shiro wanted to retreat, but Keith stopped him, slinging an arm around his neck. They broke the kiss soon after, panting slightly, forehead to forehead. Shiro was smiling and catching his breath, when he said: “I really didn’t know.” He snickered slightly. “Know what?”, Keith felt like being laughed at, but who could even stay mad at Shiro any second, when he looked happy? Shiro snorted again. “That you liked guys. Must have been because you saw me and Adam all the time together a few years ago.” Keith grinned too, pushed Shiro slightly, who now had his face hidden in his forearm to stop his laughing. “I don’t think so. Must have been because my mentor at the garrison, who was slightly older than me, was pretty hot, top of his class and a ball of muscles.” “I don’t think I was that muscular back then…” “That was what you were getting from that sentence?”

Shiro pushed a string of hair behind one of Keith’s ear. “I never thought about this”, he seemed suddenly a lot more serious. “I don’t think you ever surprised me like that before, to be honest. I was so puzzled the whole week and tried to figure it out. You know, I love you. But this is different.” “So, you never thought about us before, huh”, Keith summarized and relaxed the hand that was still holding Shiro’s neck. “Uh-huh…not exactly. I maybe did think of it, one split second a few months before we arrived on earth. And trust me I pushed that confusing thought away as good as I could.” – “You could have just told me”, Keith said and tighten his grip again. It was now Shiro again who leaned in to kiss him. He drew Keith nearer to him, rounded him with arms. Shiro could kiss – didn’t matter how long he didn’t kiss anyone. They deepened the kiss, slowly, tentatively, not to overwhelm each other. Keith’s face was still on fire.

The kiss grew slowly more heated, which was the cue for Keith to slow down a bit more. He caressed Shiro’s shoulders and arm, his broad chest. This was better than any dream – he still felt like he could wake up any moment, alone in his bed. Shiro’s mouth on him was not as intense as before, but slow and deep. Keith broke the kiss for a moment, to look at his face, to gently touch Shiro’s cheeks, forehead and lips. “You’re incredible”, he breathed and felt embarrassed. “There was never anyone else”, he said slowly, looking down on their linked hands. “I thought you might wanna know.” Shiro reached for his chin and made him look upwards. “I wouldn’t care either way”, he said and kissed him again, long and deep. After a while, Keith felt excitement bubble in his chest and all the jittery feelings he never wanted to have. They had already wiggled their way onto the couch, with Shiro on his back and Keith on top of him, caressing his sides and kissig him, when Keith felt that if they kept going there it would end in some situation none of them were prepared for.

“Shiro”, he breathed and broke the kiss, his glazed eyes staring in Shiro’s eyes intensely, “stop.” Shiro immediately got his hands of him. “Sorry”, he gasped. “No”, Keith hastily followed, “nothing wrong with what you did. I, just, we should stop, at least for now.” Shiro nodded and exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Yeah, we should…slowly at least.” He sat up (the fighting room wasn’t the best place to make out anyways) and flattened his wrinkled top. “We should go sleep.” When Keith didn’t answer but looked at him intensively, he added “Let’s go to my room, I guess.” They got up, and walked next to each other, back to Shiro’s room. After a while Keith grabbed his hand while walking and Shiro threw him a lovestruck gaze. “I’m looking forward to finally sleep again”, Keith exhaled. Shiro smiled and said, “I hope you don’t mind that I’m still getting nightmares occasionally.” But Keith shook his head quickly. “I mind not being there for you, when you have them.” They settled in bed (Keith pushed his shoes of and lay down) lying on their sides so they could see each other. Keith took Shiro’s hand into his own, kissed the top of it and pulled him closer to him. “Keith”, Shiro whispered, “you changed a lot and I’m only realizing it now. I’m happy to get to know you more.” Keith snorted. “That’s really you to say something like that. Night.” They shuffled closer as time passed, and it wasn’t too long when they realized that sleep didn’t seem like an option that night, too.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/CruelisB) & [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/cruelisblue)
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>  If you liked this, I'd be overjoyed if you left a comment! I welcome:  
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> \- constructive criticism! (Please take into account if the work is old/recent, and that I'm not a native speaker/ that I'm doing this as a hobby in my free time :)   
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